


Crossroads

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-25
Updated: 2010-09-30
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:33:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8766184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: A season 06 ep 01 rewrite of one section. Dean is pissed, he has the right, Sam is pissed, he has the right, can they come to terms?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

“So this is goodbye.” Lisa said sitting on the step in Bobby’s house.

“This is” Dean took a deep breath, “This is I’m sorry, I never meant to get you mixed up in this, I only wanted us to be happy, I’m sorry that shit’s changed.”

Lisa shook her head sadly, “That’s a lot of apologies there mister, but is this goodbye? Are you leaving us?”

Dean shook his head confused, “I really truly don’t know what I’m doing right now, “ he rested his head against her shoulder for a moment, “I’ve faced down all kinds of things in my past, but I’ve never faced that fact that I could have a simple life, one I’ve wanted, without my brother, only to have my brother thrown back into the mix along with God knows what else.” 

“So what are you going to do?” 

“We have to hunt these djinn down, that above all else. Otherwise we’ll never be safe.” He sighed long and deep and looked at her soulfully, “then I’ve got some decisions to make.” 

They sat there talking on the stairs a while longer until Sam interrupted them, Dean stood angrily and then turned and tenderly kissed Lisa then turned on his brother. “Come on we got a drive to make and you’ve got some talking to do.”

They were soon in the little black number that Sam had tricked out and were roaring on their way back to Lisa, Ben’s and yes Dean’s house. They sat in stony silence for several miles then Sam was the first to speak. 

 

“Look I know you’re pissed at me right now.”

“You already said that try something new.”

“Okay you want to kick my ass.” Sam said.

“Thought crossed my mind.” Dean said his brow furrowed in anger. “A year, you came back practically as soon as you fell down the hole and now you expect me to be all kicks and giggles happy. Sorry bud it just doesn’t work that way.”

“What happened to “Sammy”?” Sam asked feeling hurt.

“Sammy died back at Stull Cemetery. He was taken in and taken down putting Lucifer back into the pit. You’re just Sam.” Dean said quietly.

Sam sat back driving but feeling like he’d just been hit with a 2 x 4. “There’s always been a Sammy, there always has been a need for one.”

“Yep,” Dean started. “But Sammy wouldn’t betray me, Sammy wouldn’t grow a heart of stone like this, Sammy would have cared enough to not only find me, but contact me. You’re not Sammy.”

Sam slammed on brakes and pulled off the highway turned and looked at Dean. “What do you want me to do Dean, I’ve apologized to you, explained why I did it, you want me to slit my wrists in sorrow and agony? What the fuck do you want?”

Dean looked stonily back at Sam, “I don’t want a goddamn thing, I love and loved you, we were a team, a partnership, and more, you decided to twist that around and fuck with it and us in the process. Sam I loved you like no one else I have ever met. I took care of you, you were the one thing that drove me in the hunt. When you fell, part of me went with you. Now you expect, you expect me to just jump back into your life? You wanna know how many times that Lisa and I did it that I fantasized it was you. Come on ask. I want you to hear and fucking know.”

Sam shook his head and started back onto the highway then looked at Dean for a moment, “You don’t want anything but to make a martyr out of yourself and I’m on the pyre. Fine you go ahead, I won’t be part of it.”

“Pull over.” Dean ordered. 

“What?” Sam asked.

“PULL THE FUCK OVER!” Dear roared.

“So you can bitch, whine, moan, and groan at me I don’t think so.” Sam said. Dean in a rare moment grabbed the wheel and pulled. The car swerved off the road and onto the shoulder, weaving as Sam put on brakes and tried to steady the roll. Finally he spun and looked at Dean, “What the fuck was that for?” 

“For this!” Dean said grabbing the back of Sam’s neck and pulling him into a kiss. They stayed that way for several moments until at last Dean released him and both were gasping. “That’s what for. You’ve been back a year, you come back into my life for what 24 hours now, and you act like you’ve gone straight, when I fucking know better.”

“Dean after I came back I went every which way, gay, straight, bi, I was trying to find some way to patch that hole that was created.” Sam said.

Dean looked at him solemnly for a long moment and finally sighed, “All you had to do was ring a goddamned doorbell.” Dean looked away from him ashamed of the tears that were flowing, ashamed of the feelings he had, that he was so vulnerable, and mostly ashamed that he was willing to throw himself at Sam’s feet to have things back the way they were.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: OK, we're gonna give this a try, I'll see what I can do with it but you folk wanted a broken Dean, you ain't seen nothing yet.  
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* * *

Dean looked at him solemnly for a long moment and finally sighed, “All you had to do was ring a goddamned doorbell.” Dean looked away from him ashamed of the tears that were flowing, ashamed of the feelings he had, that he was so vulnerable, and mostly ashamed that he was willing to throw himself at Sam’s feet to have things back the way they were.

 

Sam stepped forward and reached out a comforting hand but momentarily withheld, then Dean looked up and sighed, “I promise I won’t bite, well not yet anyway.”

Sam shook his head trying to think of the right thing to say and knowing nothing was going to be the right thing everything he’d planned to come out with would fall on deaf ears. Still he had to try, he had to make the attempt. 

“Dean you’ve always told me that you were tired of the life, you’ve said that you would like a simple life. But you and I both know that hunting is a drug, a fucking narcotic and once it’s in your blood it’s hell to get rid of.”

Dean looked at Sam his face wet with tears he didn’t even know he’d been shedding. “Sam, you’ve no idea what happened while you were on your vacation from me.” Sam flinched at that tone, “I stayed drunk most of the time for the first few months, I managed to keep a straight face in front of the world and I tried to be someone that Ben wouldn’t be ashamed to talk about. But I was totally, completely fucked through the skull. I even tried to suicide once no twice, the first time by pistol and the gun kept hitting on empty shell casings. Then pills, but 5 minutes down and I had explosive vomiting.” He turned towards the window now, catching his breath and trying to pull himself back together as Sam drove. Sam reached out this time placing his hand on Dean’s back rubbing it like he would a child who’d woke from a terrible nightmare. 

 

“I didn’t realize, didn’t understand…” he pulled over again this time putting the transmission in Park and looking at himself in the mirror. “You know over the past year I’ve looked in a lot of mirrors, and few of them showed back a face I really liked, but I kept telling myself you have your apple pie life now, you’ve got your nuclear family or close to one. All you have to worry about is keeping your yard mowed and stowed, keep up washing your car in the driveway.” Now it was Sam’s turn to choke back tears but he did a worse job than Dean he was far more tenderhearted and far less restricted in the way he showed his emotions. He stopped rubbing Dean’s back and clenched his shoulder. “Dean I swear I wanted to come back to you, I missed you so fucking much, I missed your warmth in bed, even missed your snoring.” He chuffed slightly. Sam leaned back tears flowing. Dean turned around and looked at his brother, they both were vulnerable, massively so. They grasped hands tightly for a moment then hugged on each other, then grasped each other to give the other a massive tight, squeeze for life hug.

 

“I just have to know one thing, one very important thing, and I want to hear an honest answer to this.” Dean said, “I want to know if I can depend on you like I used to be able to. I want to know if I call for you you’ll be there. I don’t want a promise then under your breath you’re going, I’m going to vacate and give him his apple pie life back. You and I both know what has happened. I’ve been lucky, very lucky not to have been found before now, which is unusual considering what I did looking for you. But will you be there?” 

Sam looked at Dean for a long moment and then looked down a moment in thought then back at Dean. “Can I ask you a similar question? If I’m there for you will you have my back? Will you be able to split your attention between me, Lisa, and Ben? Dean I don’t mind the fact that you’re going to bed with Lisa, just so long as you give me my due.”

Dean grinned slightly. “Sounds like we were plowing through marriage vows.

“I don’t care can you do that?”

“I can if you can do what I asked.” Dean asked.

“I can provided you work with me, and you go into the field periodically with me, not all the time to start. You’ve been away from the hunt for a year now, you’re going to have get your edge back.”

“You realize I’m going to make you pay for doing this shit to me for a year.” Dean said his voice level. 

“Exactly how are you going to accomplish that?” Sam asked nervously.

“Handcuffs, a riding crop, a butt plug and a flail come to mind right now.”

“Dean I don’t do that stuff now.”

“Mores the pity for you because I’m gonna, so you might want to toughed that baby ass of yours up.”

 

Dean waited until they were back on the highway “But one thing Sammy, for all that I love you, for all that you are my brother and my lover, for all that and more, there’s one thing that will take a little time.”

Sam nodded sadly and kept on driving then pulled off once again.

“Dude we may as well get a motel room at this rate.” Dean quipped.

Sam sighed looking now at Dean, “You don’t trust me any more do you?”

Dean looked at his brother, “It’s been a year, you were back pretty damn fast, at least within a few days to a day of falling down that fucking hole. Then you make a decision for me and stay out of my life, our life, for a year, then I get poisoned by a djinn and you suddenly reappear with a cavalry, tell me Sam, how much trust would you have in me if I’d done the same to you?”

Dean propped his elbows on his knees, rested his forehead there and in a voice brittle and harsh, “we are in one fucking goddamn mess aren’t we?”

Sam leaned against the steering wheel and nodded, “Yeah, we are but we got a chance to fix things if you want to.”

“Like I’ve already said I want things back to the way they were but now I’ve got two others in the mix, how do I deal with that? Are we lovers or fuckbuddies? What we had does it even exist anymore.” Dean asked his words sounding caustic even to him.

“There’s only one way to find out.” Sam started the car back up and drove on down the highway until they saw a little mom & pop motel sitting by the roadside, the Vacancy light was on. Sam pulled in to the lot. “Now for the moment of truth.”


	3. Chapter 3

Dean looked at the motel impassively. He didn’t say a word as Sam went in a booked a room, then came back out to the car balancing the key in his hand.

“Sam you don’t have to do this.”

“I know I don’t have to, have to has nothing to do with it, want to, does. You see I’ve lot of the main things in your eyes that I utterly respect and held dear to me. Sounds girly I know, frankly I don’t give a flying fuck at a rolling donut. When I did, what I did, I did it out of love. And for that action we may have lost what we had. The secret is that we won’t know until we go into the room and just be there.”

“You’ll take whatever I dish out?”

“Swear to God, Dean; but it’s a two way street, you bring your skeletons out so do I. We’re going into that room and we’ll probably end up fighting, maybe screwing, I just don’t know, I do know that we gotta deal with this sometime, and sometime is now.”

 

They got out of the car and walked down the line of rooms until they came to room 37 which was the only room rented for 5 or 6 rooms to either side. Sam had done just what Dean had suspected, got a room but got it out of the mainline of traffic, he shuddered when he thought of what he probably told the desk clerk to get this set up. Well, Dean wasn’t about to be viewed as a coward so he waited as Sam put the key in the door. 

 

Sam turned the key and opened the door. The room was slightly nicer than what they were used to, there was no tobacco smell of someone who’d smoked a pack of Camels just before checking out, there was also no stale beer smell coming from the pretty well kept carpet. Sam walked into the room with Dean following warily. Once in Dean shut the door and turned on the table lamp. In the pale illumination he looked at Sam. 

 

“So how do we do this? You want to prove something fine, you got the room, we shared the rules, but what about the rest?” Dean asked. In answer Sam began to slowly un button the shirt he had on took it off and laid it on the dresser. Dean did the same. Then Sam kicked off his shoes to which Dean followed with the same. Lastly Sam reached and undid the buckle of his pants letting his pants fall in a pool around his ankles. He looked at Dean and quirked an eyebrow and Dean dropped his as well though a bit reluctantly. Stepping out of the Sam sat on the edge of the bed. Dean sat across from him, the cool air causing goose bumps to rise. Dean trembled slightly, part of him wanting to reach out and take Sam too him, but at the same time there was a part of him that was holding back.

 

Dean shook his head violently. “Why do you want to do this? What’s this gonna prove.”

“Dean, I love you for whatever that means to you now. I know I fucked up but I did it with damn good reason and you should be thankful for at least that.”

“I should be thankful.” Dean said stressing the last word, “thankful for having my brother plunge into Hell, get trapped there with Michael and Lucifer for God knows how long.”

“Less than 24 hours.”

“Oh you got the express trip.” Dean said hotly and his voice became raw and torn. “then to have him come back knowing where I was and what I was doing and what was going through my mind and still keeping distance.” Now the tears were starting, slowly as if squeezed from Dean’s body. Dean looked at him his heart already long since broken and torn out, now it was a matter of cutting it with a dull knife. “You let me lead an apple pie life when shit was happening that we caused, and you decide to go it alone until you hooked up with family. You come out to the woodwork with Bobby and you give him all the cheery news, then you finally show up right when I’m getting poisoned by a djinn. Not that I’m ungrateful but at that point in my life the only things I had to live for, the only things that mattered were Lisa and Ben. You come back expecting me to be, I don’t know, jumping up and down with joy, but I can’t do it. I can’t work that up. Sam I love you like a brother but I just don’t know if I can trust you any more, make me believe that, show me that I’m wrong, PLEASE.” Now he was sobbing, “I died when you fell, I went through my own private hell and drug Lisa along for the ride, I got drunk, stayed drunk, Lisa finally hit a breaking point with me and had me picked up as a belligerent drunk, she was afraid of me and afraid of what I might have done to her or Ben. I dried out and then tried drugs, I did Zanax off the street, it sort of calmed me down, mellowed me out, made me at least liveable to be around so Lisa gave me another go. I came off the Zanax and cleaned myself up, I was still wary, still a hunter, but rusty, and then Ben started hanging with me more, and started doing kid things with me and we got close. He even called me daddy once by accident. I did all this walked into all this eyes opened about April timeframe and then things started to really gel, I was becoming a suburbian house husband, Lisa was proud of me, Ben looked up to me, I had friends who came over for bar-b-ques. Then you reappeared like that, just popped up out of the blue, save my ass, then tell me you’ve been around for a year, a whole fucking year! Do you have any idea the hell I walked through again. I even went to that crossroads and summoned a demon to make a deal he just laughed in my face and disappeared. No one would tell me nothing, Castiel wouldn’t come around, no surprise that I figured he was in heaven doing damage control. We set the wheels in motions, rode on the train for a bit then derailed it. I always had your back Sam, always,” His voice was now a broken squeak at points. “We had each other, we were a team, we were strong together, then…YOU FUCKING PITCHED IN THE TOWEL WITH ME!” Dean shouted Then started to pound on Sam’s chest to punctuate each word, “I LOVED YOU AND YOUBETRAYED ME!” Spent for the moment Dean fell against Sam then started clutching him holding him but Sam pushed him back, he held him at arm’s length for a moment.

“Dean I told you why I did what I did, I wanted you to have that life you’ve always dreamed of. That was my gift to you, and if there was shit happening from what happened, you should’ve been out there taking care of it not living the homebody life.”

“Gift! Gift!? Sam I wanted that life for the both of us. And as for being out there tackling the shit by myself, give me a fucking break, I just watched my brother give his body over to Lucifer thinking he could control the bastard, then it all turned on me, you disappeared and I find out just where Luci and Mike are supposed to lay it down, track you, you or Luci gets to beat the living shit out of me,” Dean punctuates each statement by punching Sam in the chest sending him back a step. “Oh and then you take back over after he blows up Castiel and breaks Bobby’s neck, then you/Luci and Mike/Adam get sucked down the deepest sink hole in the world. And I’m supposed to be all right with that after, I’m supposed to go on living my life like there was no difference in what was going on around me? God damn you Sam, I loved you like I’ve loved no other, part of me still does, but damn it, I wanted to get us both out of that life.”

 

“But what if I wanted something different.”

“You never said anything to indicate that.”

Sam pulled back from Dean and strode around the room hurt, cornered and flustered. “I started to like hunting, I was enjoying it, and it was molding itself to me. I don’t know if I could have been happy.” 

Dean looked at him “You could have said something to let me know.” Then “Sam don’t you see I would give my life to save yours, in fact I have once, and I would have done it all over, but now this stunt, I don’t know what to think or do.”

 

Dean stood now pacing as well. “I thought a week ago that you were truly gone, that you were dead, I used to go up to Stull every month and while others would leave a rose or something like that, I’d leave a 6 pack, I drunk another six up there once in your honour and have got shitfaced drunk up there before.“ He whirled at Sam, “Now you come back, you want me back in the hunt, you know I’m rusty, and you know that I have two responsibilities. I love them Sam, you can’t take that from me. Lisa is good, she doesn’t make up for losing you but it’s a start, and Ben, I’ve not had anyone look up to me like that since we were kids. It feels good, now you want me to trash that.”

“Dean you got to realize that whatever is hunting us whatever is out there will come hunting us and them. That’s a fact of life. We’re stronger together than apart.”

Dean shook his head, “Apparently you were doing all right for this past year.”

Sam stopped pacing and looked at Dean vulnerable now, “No I wasn’t, I wasn’t right at all, I went through hell literally, but I went through hell for what I did, I would come around from time to time and watch from a distance.” Tears were staining Sam’s cheeks now “There were times I wanted to run in with arms waving telling you hey I’m back. But I saw that you all that…I couldn’t tear you away from it.” 

“So you tore us away from each other.” Dean said walking up to Sam. 

“To give you a chance.” Sam said defiantly.

 

“What if I wanted you more than that chance?” Dean said roughly. Then ran his hands across Sam’s chest. “I remembered each muscle and each tendon that used to jump on you so ready when we were together. I fantasized about you from time to time and let me tell you it was damn hard not to call out your name, I think Lisa knew but she kept mum about it. Oh fuck Sam…what has happened to us?”

Dean took a step back from Sam.

 

Sam stood still, “Nothing has happened that we can’t fix.” 

“Now we’re back to we, yeah what is it that I have to fix exactly because from where I’m standing I can’t see anything other than give up hunting for a year that I’ve done wrong.” Dean said his anger building again.

“Oh yeah you’ve been Mr. Perfect all your life, you’ve never made one fucking mis…” That was as far as Sam got before Dean’s right fist caught his jaw, Sam slammed Dean back resisting him but not striking back. He blocked some of the blows, some got through, especially the knee to the groin, so Dean wanted to fight dirty did he. Sam started returning some of the punches and leveling into him then he remembered what Dean had said as to how Lucifer/Sam beat the ever-loving shit out of him, and he remembered when he came back to himself before he opened the gate just how much of a mess that Dean looked and it stunned him speechless. Which was a mistake, as Dean gave him two quick blows to the stomach knocking him on his ass and the wind out of him. Dean stood there then panting, tears streaming, his breath hitching, and his heart racing. Dean just looked at the mess that was his brother and exhausted for the moment bent over and rested him fists on his knees and then in utter fury let out a rough animalistic howl of grief and agony. 

 

“Dean?” Sam asked softly. Then he held out his hands palms up Dean tried to resist but he merely reached out and pulled him up off the floor and into an embrace. He held onto him for a long moment not trusting himself to speak, when he did his voice was whiskey rough, and breaking all over the spectrum of sound, “You want to fix something? Then make me alive again, give me back my Sammy , give me back last year. Quit with the pretense and just give me back my Sammy.”

Sam pulled him tighter into the hug, “I can do that Dean, if you let me. You don’t know what I’ve gone through and the nights I’ve cuddled pillows pretending they were you and kicking myself for not contacting you. Dean I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry that all this happened like this.” Sam dipped his head slightly his tears running unchecked to match Dean’s, they hugged tighter and Sam began to kiss and nip at Dean’s neck and then worked around to his mouth. They kissed then long and deeply, but Dean pulled back, looked at Sam then broke the hug and turned and started to reach for his clothing. Finally Sam pulled the last trick out of his hat. He grabbed up his pants and yanked the leather belt free.

 

“Dean!” He said forcefully and then threw the belt at Dean’s feet. 

“No Sam.” Dean said tiredly, “No.

“Yes Dean, you’re not going to walk out of blaming me like this, holding this kind of grudge and not get some satisfaction. One stripe for everything you can dredge up. “

“Sam please.” Dean begged.

“No, no please about it. I know you like dominance anyway. Take your pound of flesh.” With that Sam shed his underwear revealing that body that Dean have loved in so many ways. Like a robot he bent down and picked up the belt looking at it. Sam lay across the bed. In a dream Dean raised his arm high and brought the belt down, again and again, each time with a sob, Sam gripped the sheets with each strike after the fourth stripe he started to scream into the bedding. But Dean was implacable his inner torment and his willfull attitude playing against him. He finally let the belt fall from a weakened hand and he fell to his knees by the bed, he brushed his fingers through Sam’s hair, Sam was sobbing into the bedding. Dean joined him and together they lay side by side troubled and comforting the other. Dean looked at Sam, kissed him and said in a low controlled tone, “Why? I know your why? But was there a bigger why? Did you do it to privately torment me for all the times I’ve been such a shit. Why?” Dean begged through his tears. Sam through his, “to help you grow.” They embraced then, kissed, long and deeply, then embraced again. 

 

“When I was whipping you I was angry, I mean John Winchester angry, and Sam, that scared me but I couldn’t stop. It was if my soul were being torn apart and remade. I just love you so damn much.” Dean looked at Sam his eyes fixed. “ Fuck me.” Dean stood stripped off his shorts and lay on the floor on his stomach legs splayed. 

“Not like this Dean, please.” 

“No just like this, I can’t stand this, my mind is going in six different directions. I mean I shouldn’t be this tore up, but I can’t help it. FUCK ME!” 

“Well let me at least get some lube.”

“Use spit, just fuck me now.” 

“Dean!” Sam said though his crotch was already stirred up and rampant. 

“Fucking rape me Sam, is that clear enough.” Dean ordered. Painfully Sam got off the bed; wincing at each step then kneeling down between Dean’s legs and using spit and pre-come he lathered up his asshole pretty well. He lined up with him and eased into him.

“Sam, what part of rape me do you not understand, I’m fucked in the head, fuck me up in the ass as well.” Dean said shoving his ass up taking Sam’s near 8 inches in one swoop. Sam forced him back down on the floor and started riding him hard, pounding his crotch into him, crying out from the pain that was jarring the tender flesh of his stripped ass, but at the same time that seemed an aphrodisiac for these event. Sam began to understand what Dean was wanting, and he gave it to him in steady hard strokes pounding his dick deep into Dean, hearing his cry out as his prostate was so much getting massaged as speared through the rough fuck. Then Sam started to slap Dean’s ass as he fucked him. Harder and harder more brutal with his stroke until at last Sam cried out buried to the hilt in Dean he came hard and long. He was nearly hyperventilating when he finally came down from his sexual high. Then standing he yanked Dean up and threw him on the bed earning a screech as his now tender ass came in contact with the linens. 

“Feel better!” Sam asked angrily. “Feel totally dirty and used. Abused and debased?” Dean looked away and Sam sighed, “Good, because I feel the same way we both abused the other pretty soundly and for what a stupid act on my part and a fucked up year on your part. Well are we happy now?” Sam whipped around and started getting dressed. Then he heard a small voice call out to him. 

“Sammy.”


	4. Chapter 4

Sam stops dressing and looks over his shoulder dispassionately. Dean was painfully sitting up on bed and staring at his brother. 

“Sam…Sammy.” Dean said again through parched lips. Sam let his pants wait a moment, he wasn’t all that anxious to pull the jeans over his raw ass anyway.

Sam rolled his eyes heavenward a moment then yanked up his jeans without thinking which sent him to the floor on all four in agony. After the initial wave passed he coughed and pushed himself back up and looked at Dean. He walked over to the bed and looked at Dean, then held out his hands placatingly.

“What do you want? What the fuck else do you want, want me to slit my wrists so you have my blood I can do that, you want to whip me again? I could imagine you masochistic, but not that brutal. Just what the FUCK do you want!?”

 

“I want you Sammy, just you, no pretense, no play acting, none of the bullshit, just you.”

Sam sat down gingerly on the bed next to Dean, “That’s what I want to give you, but you keep pushing me away. I’m back, I had my reasons for abandoning you like I did, and I thought that they were good reasons, and I still think what I did was good in the long run.” Sam sighed deeply now, “But I’ll not keep defending myself for the same shit over and over and over. It’s just not going to happen. If you want me, then accept me for right now, don’t go holding this past year over my head, accept me for right now.” Sam felt the wetness on his cheeks and noticed that his jeans were spotted on the legs from the tears that were rolling unchecked and obviously unknown to Sam. He lay across the bed turning onto his side, Dean did the same, “You want me you got me warts and all, but you’ll not have me back to use as your guilt monitor.” Sam said not bothering to hide the fact that he’s crying. Dean had been fighting the tears unsuccessfully himself and lay down beside his brother. They embraced, sloppily but it was a hug all the same and they held that position for several minutes just enjoying the feeling of taut muscles and bristled cheek against Sam’s baby face. Dean kissed his brother’s cheek, his tears falling unchecked as well now. Sam was the only one he would have in the past dared to be this open in front of, and now his heart racked, his soul scoured, his ass on fire. Dean just held on to Sam like a drowning man holding to a life vest. Sam in his turn held on to Dean their sweat soaked bodies striving to hold the other harder, he felt Dean’s kiss on his cheek and turned to return the kiss right when Dean had turned and their lips met in a warm kiss. Their tears now mixing and mingling, then Dean pulled back slowly and looked at Sam. 

 

“Sammy, I love you, only you, hell you’re my baby brother, what’s not to love. But this whole thing got me fucked in the head. I just needed the other to maybe balance me out.” Dean said unsuccessful in his attempts to articulate his basic need. “Sam,” Dean was tired now and it showed in his voice, “you’ll always be important to me and in my life, but can you stand sharing the spotlight with Lisa and Ben?”

 

“Dean, you are running on faith that she wants to stay in your life now that you’ve gone back to or are thinking of going back to hunting.” Sam stated what should have been obvious. 

“First let’s get this djinn settled then we’ll worry about the rest okay?” Dean asked pushing himself back up in the bed and then weakly standing. Then he held out a hand for Sam, who recognized that there would be no way that Dean would be able to haul his ass up but it was the gesture and that meant everything right now. Sam reached out taking Dean’s hand and stood slowly as well. Dean dressed and Sam finished dressing. Then he and Dean started toward the door, they walked out into the sunlight and over to the car, the interior was warmed from the sun and smelled of new leather, well…vinyl. They each sat down in the car like they normally did which was to say they did a controlled crash and at the same time elevated off the seats two ungentlemanly screeches. They eased back down and slowly got into position in their place. 

 

“We each got what we asked for didn’t we?” Dean said in as near a joking tone as he could manage under the circumstances. 

“One thing’s for sure, you haven’t lost any strength in that pitching arm.” Sam said as he started off down the road. 

“You’re one to talk, I swear you grew another in around and 2 in length just for spite.” Dean said trying to adjust his position again and failing. 

“You wish, hell I wish.” Sam said and like that the easy jocularity was returned to them for the time being. 

They pulled into the cul-de-sac and saw a black van parked in front of the house, they got out of the car, Dean faking his usual stride, Sam looking around and starting to the house. He entered and found his team setting up house at least hunter style with mounted guns and hardware about. Dean walked over to the van and notice Campbell sitting there with a spotter scope.

“Wanna tell me what you’re doing aside from being a lookout?”

“Being a lookout.” Campbell looked at Dean and then back out the front window.

“Are you always an asshole?” Dean asked.

“Here.” Campbell passed the scope to Dean. “There’s three djinn in the trees waiting.”

 

In the house Dean lost it and ordered grandpa and all his kin out, “Look you are scaring them off, get out of here and we’ll be the bait. They’ll come only if you’re not around.”

“Golf?” Sam said looking at a set of clubs in a under stairs closet. 

“Yeah,” Dean shrugged, “It’s a sport, come on.”

 

It took them a some time but soon it was a cleared house except for Sam and Dean. Sam looked at Dean and then looked at the tail lights of the van as it drove out of the cul-de-sac. 

“So are we cool?” Dean asked. 

“Yeah, we’re cool just don’t swat my ass like a linebacker for a few days.” 

“Lotion later.” Dean offered.

“You’re on.” Sam said with a grin.

“Sam do you get a funny feeling about grandpa?” Dean asked his brow furrowed.

“I know he’s single minded, he sometimes makes plans without telling anyone, and he does have an agenda. His.” Sam said quietly.

“And you want to hook back up with him?” Dean said.

Sam looked away for a moment, “I was floating and desperate at the time, I would hook up with any hunter that’d have me. I ran some solo shit; it just wasn’t the same without you, the more I ran, even with gramps, the more I started seeing I wasn’t running away from you, but running to you.” 

Dean touched his arm smiled, then said, “You ever tell gramps about us and I’ll kill you.”

“Are you crazy!?” Sam said shocked. “I’d tell him I was quitting to become a missionary first. Hell no I’m not about to mention, “Oh by the way I’m gay so is Dean well technically he’s Bi, and we’ve been having an affair since Sam was 12.” Fuck no man.” 

They settled back to wait, and the waiting was the worst part in Dean’s opinion.

 

Then the attack came quick and brutal, so much so that Dean was overpowered by male djinn and was being infected when grandpa and the team burst in and administered the cure in double doses or simply killed the djinn, all except one. Grandpa looked at the kids saw that Sam and Dean were occupied and took the female djinn that had been cured and passed her off to Campbell, “Take her, quietly.” 

After the attack and after they’d made sure that both Sam and Dean were all right, they left Dean laying on the carpet, Sam sitting in a chair and they vacated the house except for grandpa who sat on the stairs. 

 

“So I imagine you and Dean are going to fly your own wagon now?” He asked Sam.

“I’ve no idea what we’re going to do right now. That’s something we’re working on.” Sam replied. “You’re family and he’s family, I just gotta figure out if we can work this out as a team or if I run straight runs with Dean again.” 

“Appreciate your frankness son, you know where I’ll be.” And with that he opened the door and disappeared into the night.

 

“Let’s get back to Bobby’s.” Dean asked.

“Okay that we can do.” Sam replied and stood, helping Dean up off the carpet, He got him in Sam’s car and they locked up and took off. They’d driven about 60 miles in relative silence when Dean spoke.

“I just don’t trust him, every instinct tells me I should but there’s a single instinct that saying No way man.” 

“I know, he’s a hard man to get close to.” Sam said looking into the night as he was driving. “I’m about as close to him as anybody and that’s not really grandpa / grandkid close like you hear about.”

They drove a few more miles in silence. “Dean?” Sam asked.

“Yeah.”

“So, what are you gonna tell Lisa?”

 

“I haven’t the foggiest notion. I suppose I ought to run over some scenarios in my mind, but all of them come back to the fact that I’m a hunter, I always have been and I always will be. I tried the blue collar job, nuclear family lifestyle and it felt good for a while, but then I’d get homesick for the road.” Dean said looking ahead into the night now as well. Then he turned in his seat slowly, his ass was still raw and looked at Sam. “I have no idea what to tell her. I suppose I should just wait and see what she has to say.” They drove the better part of the night and into the next day with a switch out and were soon back at Bobby’s. They pulled up in the scrap yard and looked around. Bobby’s truck was there but no sign of Ben out in the mountains of scrap where he was likely to be playing despite Lisa’s panic stricken looks. They went in with Dean hollering, “Honey I’m home.” 

 

“Glad you are sugar. Lisa ain’t here.” Bobby said coming around the corner.

“What where is she?” Dean asked, Sam walked up behind Dean and laid his hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“She got me give her a ride to the airport, she said she was going to go out North to stay a while with her mother. Said she knew that when Sam showed up that she would be second fiddle, and she couldn’t take you from something you love so much and something you’re so good at.” 

“Dean I’m sorry, I never meant for this to happen.” Sam said. Then Dean held up his hand, silencing Sam. 

 

“What about Ben how was he?” Dean asked. 

“He’d been crying all night trying to tell his mommy that he didn’t want to go see grandmother, he wanted to stay and wait on Dean.” Bobby said with a grim look. Dean turned on his heels and walked out the back door, Sam started after him when Bobby stepped up and grabbed his arm. 

“Let him be for a few minutes then go out. You know how he is about letting others see him without his poker face on.” Bobby said.

Dean wandered the wrecks and listened as a stray cat yowled in the distance, he wished silently that Sam were out there with him to share the night. When his wish was granted a few minutes later as he heard a crunch in the gravel and dirt, he turned to see the silhouette of his brother approaching. 

“You okay?” Sam asked. 

“No not really.” Dean said his voice cracking with control. “Sam I love that kid like he was my own flesh and blood, I’m just not sure about the mother.” Dean looked up at the stars a moment and Sam could see his profile in the moonlight. And the tear tracks on his cheeks. Sam was grateful for the dark. “Me and Lisa were always friends, we were friends with benefits, but she always kept me at an arm’s length. So I just don’t know.” Sam walked over and took Dean by the shoulders and turned him to face him. 

 

“This is what we’re gonna do. You’re coming back into the house with me, we’re going to drink shots till we get a buzz on, then sit back and not do anything for a day, then we’re going back and you’re getting your stuff.”

“What are you talking about? She’s just gone to see her mom.” 

“Call her.”

 

Dean pulled out his cell phone and dialed her number.

 

“Dean?” A tired reply came to him.

“Sorry sweetie did I wake ya?” He asked.

“Not really, just winding down.” 

“So you’re stay with Marlene for a few days?” He asked.

“I called my boss, I have some vacation time and sick time accumulated so I told him it was a family emergency, he went ahead and approved the vacation time. I’ll be out here a month.”

“A month?” Dean asked.

“Dean you and I both know what was going to happen when Sam came back into your life.” She said matter-of-factly. “I can’t stop you doing this, and I need the time to work this out with Ben.” 

“So we’re breaking up?” He said somberly now.

“I think it’s for the best.” She answered.

 

He sighed long, “You know I never meant for this to happen, any of this.” 

She sounded like she was shaking her head in negation, “I know you didn’t it’s just something that happened. You and Sam are so tight, you always have been, I can’t come between that.” 

“We could make this work.” Dean offered.

“You know it wouldn’t, you’d go out on hunts with him, you’d be gone for weeks at a time, and that’s no life.” She sounded now like she was smiling. “You can come visit just give me and Ben some time together, some time to work this out.”

“Can I at least try to talk to him?” Dean asked.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea Dean. He worships the ground you walk on, right now he’s very vulnerable and well, we’re going to see a doctor tomorrow to help with his depression.”

 

“I suppose I’ll be doing the same thing.” Dean said sadly.

“No you’ll wake up in the morning and you and Sam will be looking up another hunt. And you’ll be gone before you know it. Just do me one favour, when you get your stuff leave one of your shirts that’s in the hamper that’s not too dirty out on Ben’s bed. I think he’ll sleep better with it.”

“Can I at least call from time to time to talk to you and Ben, please?” Dean asked. 

“Sure, I’ll call you when I think the timing is right, and I promise not to take forever to contact you. But if you lose this number be sure to get me a new one as soon as you can. Dean, I love you and wanted to make this work, but we’ve always known that eventually you’d feel the need to hunt.” 

 

“Lisa, I love you.”

“I believe that, I really do, that’s what makes this so hard for me.” 

“Call you later after Ben’s seen the doc to find out how he’s doing?” 

“Sure.” She committed.

“Thanks, good night.” He said clutching the phone. 

“Good night Dean.” And with that the connection was broke. Dean pocketed the cell phone and stood there attempting to look all John Wayne stoic in the moonlight, finally he sniffed, then rubbed at his eyes. Sam stepped forward in the dark and enfolded him in his arms, which was all it took, Dean leaned into him slowly then a bit quicker finally grabbing him in a tight hug and pressing his face against Sam’s chest. Sam could feel the hitches and catching in his breathing which pretty much told him that Dean was sobbing. Sam caressed his head gently and held him close. He cried for several minutes then slowly the dam was built back up, the walls that protected Dean’s emotions carefully back in place, he attempted to look nonchalant but Sam could tell the difference. Before he allowed Dean to pull away entirely he tilted Dean’s head under his chin and kissed him warmly in the moonlight, the kiss went on for quite some time and when they broke he was breathless. 

 

He shook himself a little and looked into the distance, “Tomorrow we strike back out and pack out my stuff. Won’t be too much some new shirts and pants, another pair of boots, toolbox, that’s about it the rest of my stuff, such that it is I’ll donate to some charity. There’s a couple of pictures I want to get, she’s got multiples. One is Ben’s school picture. The other is a picture of Ben with he and I playing soccer.”

“No pictures of her and you?” 

“Don’t want any.” Dean said his walls coming back up and firming.

“Why not?” Sam asked honestly.

“Sammy, I told her I loved her there towards the end of the call? Well she never said that she loved me in return. That tells me all I need to know.” He started back towards the house. “Come on maybe we’ll put off going back out there for a day or so.”

“Why’s that?” Sam asked.

“Hell it’s no fun riding with a hangover. And I intend to drink enough tonight to have a hell of one tomorrow morning.”

“Back in the saddle.” Sam opined.

“Shut up!” Dean said punching his brother in the arm playfully.


End file.
